The Bible is always counter cultural, because culture is humankind’s creation.  Currently, there is no better example of this than the perception of marriage and within that, the role of men and women.  In this post, I examine Scripture to seek how God views partnership in marriage.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Women today are in revolt and who can blame them?  Men have let them down is so many ways in the workplace, within wider society and especially within personal relationship. Feminism is the world’s pushback to men vacating the moral stage, where women seek to redress the tyranny of men in which most often women are their victims.  And nowhere is this abdication better seen than within the home, where men are both absent and/or controlling, leaving women to raise children largely unsupported.

But the passage in the epistle continues, and makes the husband’s role very clear:

Husbands, love (agapeo) your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (ibid 5:25-27)

A husband’s love is thus defined by the rendering of his wife holy and blameless.  Anything less than this is unholy.  For a woman to be offered anything other than agape (selfless) love and cleansing her through the word (ῥῆμα rhema, the spoken-word, ie. the sayings of Christ), Biblical submission would be impossible.  Indeed, a Godly woman would be right to refuse to submit, lest they submit to those that submit themselves to Satan rather than God.

Misogyny, however is not only effectively a crime against humanity but also against God – and Christian men are as guilty.  Christian women have absorbed feminist ideas because of the way the church has belittled and often not protected them.  In too many cases, the passages that assert the submission of women in marriage and the headship of men provide nothing less than the blueprint for abuse.  And while it is true that Scripture has been used to condone and excuse domestic violence and the subjugation of women, it is the abnegation of headship behind the abuse that is the problem – not the Word but its misapplication.  In faith, it must be axiomatic that God’s Word can neither be blamed for men’s sinful excesses nor their failure to abide by it.

Key to understanding this state of affairs is to hold that the Biblical requirement for wives to submit can only be met where the husband exercises headship; they are two sides of the one coin that is ‘authority’.  Within marriage then, headship is the exercise of God-ordained authority and submission is the recognition and agreement to it.

But I want you to realise that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man,and the head of Christ is God.(1 Corinthians 11:3-16)

The chain of headship from God to Christ to man to woman is, therefore, an authority structure.  So, what is ‘authority’?  Here is a working definition:

An authority is a body or person who sets a framework and provides regulation within which entities or people can work freely.  

Starting with Eden, God set regulations, the notable example was the prohibition from eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil…but he did not set the equivalent of a spiritual electric fence around the tree.  God set the parameters but did not enforce his decree because autonomy is a key feature of being made in His likeness, and with autonomy comes the freedom to err.

Therefore, an authority structure is not the same as chain of command, as it is most definitely not a power structure.

So, what does headship look like, if not an expression of grace?  Throughout God’s dealing with Israel and Christ’s dealings with his disciples, God instructs in models of service.  The model of headship within marriage is couched in terms that requires husbands to act as Christ towards his church, the body of believers.  As Jesus gave the model of servant leadership, so a husband seeks to serve his wife through agape love.  Christian marriage is the founded on selfless service.  Whereas most men get married to get their needs met, under headship the husband must put aside his needs and concentrate on his wife’s.

The experience of wife under the authentic headship, while seeking remain to obedient to the commands of Jesus, would be one of liberation not oppression, fulfillment not frustration and safety not peril.  For instance, the correct exercise of biblical headship would enable a husband to acknowledge his wife as cleverer, more able in many areas, perhaps the more obvious bread-winner, but the Bible still confers upon the woman the primary duty in the home, here Paul says older women (once they are released from child-raising duties) should teach:

Young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.  (Titus 2:4-5)

The exercise of headship does not mean that decisions cannot be taken jointly, nor that a wife’s opinions, views or convictions are outranked by her husband’s.  Biblical headship is consultative and sanctioning, not autocratic and dictatorial. He provides the framework for decisions rather than unilaterally making them all and telling his wife.  All importantly, in headship, the husband creates spiritual sanctuary.  He is the steward of his wife’s world and guarantor of her spiritual sanctity and he fails in this, he must answer to God.

The clearest Biblical example is Adam and Eve.  Adam was given stewardship over all the creatures of the world including ‘the woman’.  He failed to protect her from the serpent: consequently, the original sin is committed by Eve but attributed to Adam.

sin entered the world through one man (Romans 5:12)

Therefore, at the core of headship is not power but accountability.  In this way, headship is not fair; not because the woman is subordinated, which should not happen, but the man is held responsible in a manner in which she is not. While everyone must give an account at the judgement seat of Christ; in addition, the husband is also called to account for his wife. And not only his wife but his family.

The husband’s role as head is to act as the steward of his family.  He is charged with ensuring both spiritual along material provision.  This does not mean that no other member of the family is without responsibility for his or her soul, but for their welfare the head is solely accountable.

An example of this interaction of individual and familial responsibility is given by the Mosaic Law that sets bounds for vow-taking.  Citing the example of a daughter leaving the headship of her father, God says to Moses:

‘If she marries after she makes a vow or after her lips utter a rash promise by which she binds herself and her husband hears about it but says nothing to her, then her vows or the pledges by which she bound herself will stand.  But if her husband forbids her when he hears about it, he nullifies the vow that binds her or the rash promise by which she binds herself, and the Lord will release her…’ (Numbers 30:6-8)

Note the husband forbids only in regard to a ‘rash’ promise in order to protect his wife from an injurious or onerous commitment, for if he says nothing, he allows her to be preyed upon by the consequences.  This chapter is summarised thus:

 These are the regulations the Lord gave Moses concerning relationships between a man and his wife, and between a father and his young daughter still living at home.  (Numbers 30:16)

[This should give fathers pause for thought in agreeing that an unmarried daughter can set up their own home – whence is her headship?]

Key to understanding this chapter is the intercession of the husband before the Lord.  God will respect and uphold his decision but implicit in this is Biblical command.

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account.  (Hebrews 13:17)

Authority in the civic arena, as within the institution of marriage, is limited by the commandments of Scripture.  If a husband required his wife to join him in an orgy, then she is free to refuse.

And as there are limits to the husband’s authority, by extension so his accountability.  If a wife conducted an extra-marital affair, he is free to divorce her (Matthew 19:9); however, all men should note that if this circumstance occurs through the husband’s dereliction, then he is called to account – along with Adam.

Submission is always an act of the will, and one freely taken – or it is subjugation.  One submits by choice, not through coercion.  Neither does Biblical submission bestow a ranking of worth; submission is not subordination.  Scripture cannot violate itself; moreover, does not the Word speak of each individual as equally valued by God?  All were bought at a price, the same price. All have infinite value.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful  (Psalm 139:13-14)

And directly after the verse advising all to fear God, the one who has the power to kill both body and soul, we have this gracious statement of everyone’s value to their creator:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So, don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.  (Matthew 10:31)

But, most importantly, Scripture never confuses role with worth.  Submission does not confer status; it is accepting a position of inferiority.  This, then, is fatal misunderstanding regarding headship, that it gives a ranking based on inherent worth.  Paul makes plain that is a foolish man who would rate his worth above another, man or woman.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought…(Romans 12:3)

and again:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  (Philippians 2:3-4)

For anyone to submit to another means they have high expectations of that other and that it is in their best interests.  God never asks any to act against their best interests (this viewed from an eternal perspective).

Consequently, the passages on wifely submission are also qualified with the high demands of the husband’s integrity within agape love.

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  Husbands, love (agape) your wives and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:18-19)

Note the context, in the passage preceding this statement.

 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.(ibid 3:12-17)

Christ, then, is at the heart of a Christian marriage, and for both husband and wife, the primary relationship is with Jesus.

Peter addresses the circumstance of a woman who is in faith while her husband is not, but still requires her to submit, this is clearly a very high calling because it means it may not be reciprocated:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (1 Peter 3:1-2)  

This is not to be read that a woman is required to submit to a man who would abuse his position, as Peter gives the corollary:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.(ibid 3:7)

The picture of a Biblical marriage is one of partnership, in which no one person rules over the other; it is a relationship that recognises and addresses weaknesses and strengths –  for while Peter speaks of the weaker partner as the woman, age, infirmity and illness may make that woman the stronger partner.  As seen this has nothing to do with gifts of intelligence, skills and abilities – the weakness is one of moral covering, that goes back to Eve.

For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.  (1 Timothy 12:13-14)

And this is not to say that women are morally weaker than men, but rather recognising that all are subject to weakness, God expects men to take the role Adam abjured.

For a wife to consider submitting to her husband – recalling that submission is conferred never usurped – it is incumbent on the husband to understand headship is a Biblical command based on accountability.  If a wife is enabled to live her life free to worship God through the full employment of all that God has gifted her, maximising the talents as Jesus requires of all then it is likely the husband has understood his role Biblically. The facilitation of the wives’ ministry is his central concern for which he will answer at the judgement seat of Christ.

Lastly, it should be noted that the Trinity itself is model of headship and submission.  When Jesus is challenged for breaking the Sabbath, the outrage centred on his claim to his relationship with God:

but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God. (John 5:18)

In truth, he was not making himself equal, but Jesus recognising the authority of the Father over him:

Jesus gave them this answer: ‘Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does.  (ibid 5:19-20)

Hence, the greatest act of submission in the history of humankind was made by Jesus.

‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’

(Luke 22:42)

Thus, Jesus submitted himself to death, ‘even death on a cross’ (Philippians 2:8).